Gift of Forgiveness

The Path to Peace

This might be a tough read for some of you, but I invite you to stay with me. When I speak on forgiveness, I do so from my own experience. My journey isn’t yours, but perhaps there’s something here you can take in and digest—and you’re welcome to chew on the meat of this and then spit out the bones.

For me, and for many of the clients I’ve helped, no truer words have been spoken than this:

The path to peace is called forgiveness.

No ifs, no ands, no buts—just forgive.

I’ll admit, this feels impossible sometimes. Absolutely impossible. And if you’ve worked with me or heard me speak, you know I often say, “Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.” Still, forgiveness has been an essential part of my own healing. I’ve come to understand it deeply and, at times, painfully. Let me share some of that with you.

The Weight of Unforgiveness

For years, I held grudges against those who hurt me—and even those who hurt the people I love. I remember a dear mentor in my life telling me that he experienced me as offended. ME???? Offended? I went to him later and asked more about this experience and I must admit, I felt offended by his comment at first. Lol. I did struggle with an offended spirit back then. I thought holding onto pain was a way of keeping my power. Instead, it kept me bound. Grudges don’t harm the person who wronged you; they harm you.

I thought that holding on to pain was a way of keeping my power.

When I walked in unforgiveness, I unknowingly fed a victim mentality within myself. Each grudge added to the narrative that I was powerless, stuck, and defined by my pain. Worse, I played the role of judge—deciding how others should be punished for their actions. That judgment didn’t bring me peace. It only brought more struggle, because, as the saying goes, “Judge not, lest you be judged.”

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else gets sick. Forgiveness, on the other hand, ushers in grace—unmerited grace. And if we’re honest, how many times have we needed that same grace?

It requires more personal power to forgive than to hold a grudge.

Taking the First Step

A pivotal moment came when a friend encouraged me to write a letter to someone I had been hurt by. I had been holding a grudge over for over a decade. She instructed me  to name every offense, then write the words, “I forgive you,” after each offense. She reminded me that this act wasn’t for the offender—it was for me. I wrote that letter and never sent it. It was just for me. But something shifted. From that day on, whenever old offenses came to mind, I could say, “Nope, I’ve already forgiven that. I’m not revisiting it.”

Forgiveness became a discipline, a practice. Over time, I found myself lighter, freer. The bitterness that had weighed me down began to lift. I felt more self empowerment.

Forgiveness and Betrayal

Recently, I faced a sudden and deeply painful betrayal by someone I trusted. It blindsided me. In the aftermath, I made a conscious choice to feel the pain instead of numbing it. No distractions. No avoidance. I hired a grief coach, kept my circle small, and navigated the grief with care, self-compassion, and grace. I wanted to practice all of the things I preached. I wanted to navigate this grief with integrity and intention, and I wanted to honor God in all of it.

In that process, my coach asked me a question that changed everything:
“How does your spiritual warrior self want to approach forgiveness in this situation?” (she likes to do parts work like I do)

At first, parts of me resisted. “They don’t deserve it.” “They don’t care, so why should I?” But the still, quiet voice within me—the spiritual warrior—kept whispering, “This is for you, not them. Forgiveness will set you free. Staying stuck isn’t an option.”

Unforgiveness keeps you stuck. I knew that. So, I began the work.

How to Forgive

You might be wondering, How do I forgive? Or even, What does forgiveness really mean?

A different wise woman by the name of Sarah once told me, “You’ll know you’ve forgiven someone when you can think of them and not wish them harm.” But what if you do wish them harm? That’s where I started. I brought my honest feelings to God: “I don’t want to forgive them. I want them to suffer. But I also don’t want to stay stuck. Help me.”

I confessed my struggle and asked for help. Then I took a small step of obedience: I said the words, “I forgive ______ for ______.” Even when I didn’t fully mean it, I kept saying it. Forgiveness is a muscle, and the more I used it, the stronger it became.

Each time offenses came to mind, I repeated, “I’ve forgiven him. I’m not revisiting this.” Over time, the bitterness faded, and I found peace. And yes friend, there is still pain, but it dulls. Forgiveness speeds the healing process for sure.

The Hardest Part: Praying Blessings

This one’s gonna sting a little:

Here’s where forgiveness gets even harder. A trusted friend, who is also a therapist, challenged me to not only practice my ritual of forgiving, but also to pray blessings over the person who hurt me. She said, “Pray for them to receive the same blessings you want for your own life.”

I won’t lie—that felt impossible. The first time I tried, the words caught in my throat, choked out with resistance. But I did it. And as I continued to pray, something surprising happened: it got easier. Slowly, I felt freer, lighter, and more at peace. The offense still stung, but the heavy burden of bitterness was gone.

It’s important to remember: this exercise wasn’t for the offender—it was for my peace and healing. Praying blessings wasn’t about excusing their actions; it was about releasing myself from the chains of anger and resentment. And in doing so, I reclaimed my freedom.

Pray for them to receive the same blessings you want for your own life.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Erase Boundaries

Let me be clear: forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to continue hurting you. Boundaries are essential, especially in relationships where harm has occurred. If you’re in an abusive situation, prioritize your safety—seek help and leave if you can. Forgiveness is something you can address after you’ve ensured your well-being.

Forgiveness also doesn’t mean accepting an offender’s behavior, particularly when they haven’t taken responsibility or demonstrated accountability. Sorry is not enough, my friend. An apology without meaningful behavior change is just manipulation.

Forgiveness is for you. It’s not for the other person. It’s a gift you give yourself—a path to peace, freedom, and healing

Final Thoughts

Friend, I know this is hard. You might be thinking, “You don’t understand what I’ve been through.” And you’re right—I don’t know the specifics of your story. But I do know betrayal, grief, and the lies we tell ourselves about our worth. I know the weight of unforgiveness. And I know the freedom that comes when you let it go.

Forgiveness is for your peace, your growth, your

healing. It protects you from chaos and ushers in grace. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Will you take that first step?

As Always, I am sending you so much love and light. I am here for you and feel free to reach out if you need help in taking these actions steps.

Shelli