The Neurobiology of Grieving Well
If you’ve lived any life at all, chances are you’ve experienced grief—and you’ve likely been on the receiving end of some well-meaning but misguided advice.
You’ve probably heard things like:
“Aren’t you over that yet?”
“God just needed another angel in heaven.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You just need to trust God.”
“Focus on the positive.”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“Look on the bright side.”
“Be strong.”
The truth is, the people offering these words often haven’t had anyone to help them navigate their own grief. This post is for both the giver of those unhelpful messages and for those who find themselves in the midst of grief.
Grief Is Personal
Grief acknowledges something that was valued and is now lost. The way each person processes grief is deeply personal. Yet, so often, we’re taught to push those feelings aside, power through, forget about it, and “be strong.” The problem? This mentality keeps you stuck in the grief cycle.
When you remain stuck in that cycle, you also get caught in what I call “the crash,” which I’ll explain next. The Bible says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” There’s profound truth in the second part of this verse—comfort and healing come from processing grief, not from avoiding it.
The Neuroscience of Grief
Grief affects your neurobiology, and how you process (or don’t process) grief has a significant impact on your brain. There are essentially two brains of grief.
The first is the “Top Brain,” your thinking brain—like a computer’s RAM (random access memory), where short-term information is processed. The second is your hard drive, which stores deeper, long-term memories.
Here’s where it gets important:
Just like in a computer, pathways connect your RAM to your hard drive. But when grief or trauma hits, it’s like those pathways are cut off, and everything gets backed up.
Trauma comes in many forms—death, divorce, losing a pet, the end of a friendship, betrayal, childhood emotional neglect, or even the death of a dream. Every person’s grief is valid, and comparing one person's experience to another’s isn’t helpful. As I often tell my clients, “You can drown in 3 feet of water just as easily as in 6 feet—either way, you're drowning.”
When trauma cuts off those pathways, it debilitates your system. Your brain crashes, just like an overloaded computer. This is why someone stuck in grief often feels drained of energy, has difficulty focusing, experiences a loss of creativity, and suffers from persistent brain fog. Sound familiar?
The Crash: Ungrieved Losses
Here’s the bottom line: ungrieved losses will crash your system. If you don’t allow yourself to fully process and grieve, you stay stuck, which impacts you on every level—mentally, emotionally, and physically.
So, if you’re frustrated because your grief-stricken friend hasn’t “moved on,” or if you are the one stuck in your grief—this next part is for you, and I’m shouting it loud for the people in the back!
What To Do When You’re Stuck in Grief:
Create and Honor Your Loss Inventory A loss inventory is simply a list of every loss you’ve experienced. On one side of the list, write down each loss; on the other, list the impact that loss has had on you. It’s important to go over this with a trusted witness—someone who can listen without judgment.
Grief Doubles in Isolation, But It Halves in Relationship Here are four key elements you need to process your grief:
Warm Relationships: You need at least one person who will truly lean in with you. This isn’t the same as having a cheerleader saying, “You’ve got this!” or “Be strong!” Those sentiments may sound supportive, but they often leave you feeling more alone. What you need is a Well Jumper—someone willing to jump into your well with you and sit with you as long as it takes.
Weep Together: Crying is essential to healing, and neuroscience supports this. Tears remove dead cells from your system and release cortisol, a stress hormone that wreaks havoc when it builds up. Don’t cry alone—your body needs the physical release, and sharing it with someone else can be incredibly healing.
Accept Grace: Allow your Well Jumpers to love and support you. This is what I call horizontal grace—receiving love from those around you. And then there’s vertical grace—accepting the love and grace from God, who sustains you through this difficult time. Personally, I carry certain Bible verses with me that keep me grounded in my grief process, like “He is near to the brokenhearted” and “Love covers a multitude of offenses.” Find what works for you and lean on it.
Process Your Event: Whether you write it out in a journal, talk it through in a voice memo, or share it with your Well Jumper, you need to process the painful event. Keep your supporters on speed dial, and don’t worry about being a burden. Spoiler alert: we’re all burdens sometimes, and that’s okay. Let’s get busy loving and supporting one another through these heavy times.
In closing, I encourage you to grieve well. Remember, grief is a pain that cures other negative feelings.
Sending so much love and light your way,
~Shelli
